


Love, Ren

by Tayani



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Character Study, Every Rank Is A Chapter, Falling In Love, Idiots in Love, Interrogation room-related trauma, Letters, M/M, POV First Person, Persona 5 Spoilers, Persona 5: The Royal Spoilers, Pining, Ren Is What We Call A Disaster Gay, Ren Writes Letters As Therapy, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:41:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 21,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25450024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tayani/pseuds/Tayani
Summary: Maruki suggests Ren should write letters as a way of learning to express himself.The first time Ren tries it, it's right after meeting one Akechi Goro.
Relationships: Akechi Goro/Amamiya Ren, Akechi Goro/Persona 5 Protagonist
Comments: 615
Kudos: 636
Collections: Quality Persona Fics





	1. Rank 1

Dear Akechi,

So you’re probably wondering why I’m writing to you in the first place.

Actually, you probably are not wondering that cause you’re never going to see this letter if I can at all help it.

This is really, really stupid.

So Maruki-sensei told me I should start writing letters cause I apparently have a problem with communicating my needs and emotions and that’s supposedly going to help.

Oh right, you don’t know who Maruki-sensei is. Hell, you probably don’t know who I am.

Okay, I guess, from the top?

Hello, I’m Amamiya Ren, I’m the guy who told you your take on the Phantom Thieves is stupid on live TV, which was somehow enough for you to take interest in me.

If I knew it was this easy to pick up a guy, I’d have gone on more live studio recordings.

Actually, no, I wouldn’t have done that, because you’re possibly the first guy I’d feel like picking up ever.

God, I am so burning this letter once I’m done with this stupid exercise.

Okay so yeah that’s me. The lanky, tall guy with a mess on his head and no friends except for three outcasts and a cat.

Sidenote, but I feel so good knowing I can call Morgana a cat here and he can’t butt in and tell me he’s not one. I need to get you to call him a cat once yourself so you’ll know how much fun it is.

So why am I writing to you? Well, see, I have a criminal record, because some drunk asshole I stopped from raping a girl in my hometown turned out to be some bigshot. I… yeah. So that happened! And now I’m in Tokyo attending Shujin and they decided that I’m gonna snap sooner or later so they told me to go for preventive counselling sessions with Maruki-sensei, who’s the school’s councillor. And Doc’s not bad, for the record. He’s kinda weird and kind of sounds like he doesn’t know what he’s doing (and honestly like he needs his own councillor sometimes) but he’s okay.

A lot of people I talk to sound like they need a councillor, to be honest.

I wish people didn’t treat me like their own personal therapist actually now I think of it. Like I’m happy they decide to open up to me but… I don’t know. It feels like the moment I help them solve whatever’s been bothering them we never see each other again.

Huh.

Okay so maybe this letter thing isn’t such bullshit as I thought actually. Not sure I’m enjoying it though.

Well, anyhow.

So we went for a Shujin school trip and I’ve met you and uh… I decided my first counselling letter should be to you because a) you’ll never be able to find it and read it so I won’t die of embarrassment and b) you’ve kind of. Been on my mind a lot since that TV station.

First of all, you’re sketchy as hell and you probably have a Persona too which is kind of a big deal? And should have honestly been picked up by more than just me? I mean you’ve totally heard Morgana that day before the show and no one ever hears Morgana actually talk before they go into the Metaverse.

Not even Boss, and Boss spends like all his time baby-talking him okay. So you probably have a Persona and that means that either this whole Metaverse thing is much, MUCH bigger than just me and the Thieves and you’re just one of probably hundreds of other people who just know about it and keep it secret for some reason OR, or, all these psychotic breakdowns and mental shutdowns and things have something to do with you.

And that’s a big concern, right? A normal person would go into that right away and maybe confront you about some stuff or try to find out how much you know.

Unfortunately, our meeting has made me realize I am apparently what Ann calls a useless gay disaster.

You’re so pretty.

I swear to god I’m not much of a talker at the best of times but that time you butted in on our conversation and started making that really awkward smalltalk? I wanted to reply with something! I really did! Make some witty response so you’ll think I’m cool! But I could not open my damn mouth I just. Kind of stared at you.

In hindsight, maybe it’s good I didn’t open my damn mouth because the next time we’ve seen each other I essentially told you you’re stupid (which you are, and the Phantom Thieves definitely do more than cops. They don’t arrest innocent kids for trying to stop women from being raped, for starters).

But you’re so, so pretty. Like, how even. Once Morgana fell asleep I googled some of your fanpages (do you even know how many you have???) and no one seems to get how pretty you are. Sure, the people there keep gushing about you but like. In a really weird way? And I just want to come up to you and tell you your skin looks so soft and you know that really cliche expression in kissing books that’s like, “sun-kissed”? That’s the one. That’s you. I have never in my life seen anyone fit that better. And you have such light hair and it looks so soft and I am now going to proceed and obsess about how soft it looks for the rest of the evening because wow. And you wear that stupid stuck-up uniform so well and don’t even get me started on your gloves. And you talk so well, too! You talk absolute bullshit but it’s as if you’ve just read a whole chapter on how to endear your audience and now you’re trying out all the tricks! You sound fake as fuck and I’m weirdly into it.

Do I have a crush? Oh sorry was I not being obvious until now?

Sidenote but you shook my hand and then held it for a solid five or six seconds more that was absolutely necessary, I’m not pining, this is a fact.

Also, you gave me your number. By yourself! Will I ever text or call you first? No. But it counts anyway.

I never actually had a crush on a real person before so this is new territory for me and I don’t know how to act and if I’m obsessing too much.

I mean I had a crush on this one actor which technically counts as a real person now I think of it but it was like. Idol crush. Not actually “hey I got this guy’s number and we just met” kind of crush.

Not that I have any chances with you to begin with, if I were to stop fantasizing and be honest with myself here for a moment.

I mean… Shit, just look at you. Detective Prince, you get invited to star in TV programmes for fucks sake. You’re pretty, I bet your grades are great, you have a job, a goddamn fanclub and all…

I’m a guy with a criminal record who lives at an attic in a cafe because the owner didn’t want me around so much he won’t even let me in the house.

Boss’s a good guy but sometimes? I don’t know. I feel like if not for Morgana he’d have thrown me out already.

And if I didn’t have a place to stay in and give him food Morgana would have most likely left anyway.

I don’t want to be unfair to people, I just… You know, sometimes I don’t get people around me. It feels like I don’t fit in, no matter where I go. Ann, Ryuuji and Yusuke are all great, and so are other people I’ve met here, but I can’t help but feel like… I always need to wear a mask. We went into the Metaverse and they called me Joker and rallied behind me and called me their leader, but… that’s because I have that weird power so I can have many Personas at once, right? When we meet outside of the Metaverse, none of the people I meet with are happy with me if I don’t say the things I should with them.

And every time I meet with them I keep thinking, what if I fuck up this time? What if this time they’ll realize I’m just a high school guy who has no idea what’s going on and abandon me?

I mean… everyone else did.

Hah… Doc’d be proud of me, I made myself depressed with my own stupid letter.

That I’m writing to a guy I just met and who told me I’m interesting and that was all I needed to crush hard.

Yeah…

I wonder if you’ll ever message me, Akechi Goro. I mean, you wouldn’t go out of your way to find me and get my number if you didn’t want to, right?

Maybe I really do seem interesting to you, somehow. Or maybe you just want me to set you up with Ann or something.

It’s weird though, and it’s probably just wishful thinking, but… I don’t really think so. You’re somehow different from everyone else I’ve met so far. It’s like… I look at any of the people I’ve met and I kind of can piece together who they are, what they want and stuff. With you, it feels like I’m looking at a mask, with no clue whatsoever of what’s behind it.

I guess you’re kind of like me there. And I think I like the mystery.

This turned way, way longer than I thought it would. I don’t really know if I’ll continue writing these, but… I actually do feel a bit better? I didn’t really come to any groundbreaking conclusions or anything, but it’s like, some of that stuff that’s been clogging my chest got spilt out a bit, without needing to worry about people getting upset about it.

That’s kind of neat.

So… yeah. I don’t know who you really are or what you do or what you’re planning from now on, Akechi, but… for what it’s worth, I think you’re pretty interesting, too.

And I hope you sleep well tonight. And maybe think about the weird guy from the TV station and text him. No pressure though.

Goodnight. Hope to see you again.

Love,

Ren

PS: I BARELY FINISHED THIS LETTER AND YOU’VE TEXTED ME???? What is this sorcery. Do I need to buy Doc snacks as a reward?


	2. Rank 2

Dear Akechi,

So I honestly didn’t think I’ll be writing you another letter, ever, let alone so soon, but I just came back from our billiard date and I have a LOT OF FEELINGS right now. So I guess thanks! I won’t need to lie to Doc about writing letters in plural anymore! Because you have single-handedly made me sit down once I came back and pull out some paper and a working pen and start writing because I would really,  _ really  _ like you to know how much of a FUCKING ASSHOLE you are.

I’m not a competitive person, okay? I’m really fine with losing from time to time, but losing to you today? Didn’t feel great! And then I realized you have absolutely used your non-dominant hand to win against me. You acted surprised when I noticed it, too, as if I didn’t spend the last three days obsessing about how much nicer your hands would look without those gloves on.

I digress.

So yeah, that? Not great! And at the start, with that “coincidental” break ace? Coincidental, my ass. You’re such a fucking show-off. First quoting weird philosophers to me, now doing THAT, you are absolutely showing off on purpose, aren’t you.

Well, just you wait. Just you absolutely fucking wait. I’ll…

I probably won’t do anything because I have zero skills I could defeat you with but I will DEFINITELY try my best.

Honestly, I’m kind of surprised how much that pissed me off. As I said, I’m not competitive! But you just, you rub it in ever so subtly and I don’t even feel like it’s in a derogatory way or that you want to humiliate me, you’re just a smug piece of shit about it and I kind of want to punch you in the face.

I kind of want to kiss you even more, honestly.

You’re so different! You’re so… surprisingly petty, subtly mean, I am definitely into that mean streak. You still say words like you’ve been hit on the head with a thesaurus and you still wax poetry about how I “never cease to amaze you” even though this is literally the second time we have spoken words to each other, but… 

I don’t feel like you’re looking for a therapist and hoping to find one in me.

Hell, I don’t feel like you even want anything in particular from me.

We just… went out for some pool together. And I had a lot of fun, even if I wanted to kick something afterwards.

I don’t even know why it’s such a groundbreaking concept to me. For some reason, it feels like tonight I’ve been able to catch a breath for the first time since I came to Tokyo.

We’ve only just met and I KNOW you’re hiding something, but it kind of feels like I can let a little bit loose with you already. Like maybe you won’t hate me if I say the wrong thing.

I don’t know. It’s probably my crush talking.

Speaking of which, my pool inexperience aside, I don’t know how was I supposed to have a chance of winning when you kept bending over the pool table like that. Is it this obvious I’m gay as fuck and crushing on you? Were you doing that on purpose? “Oh, Amamiya-kun, oh oops looks like I need to lean ALL THE WAY over the table AGAIN how silly of me not to realize I’d have an easier shot if I tried to hit the ball from another side.”

You have a  _ really  _ nice ass by the way.

I can’t believe I just wrote that. With words.

Anyway.

So… you’ve called me after our meeting. Is it normal? I mean most of my friends call me after our meetings together but I just. I really liked that you did. Your voice is so nice to listen to, especially when you just talk to me and not in the interviews. How do I explain it…? It’s like, during the interviews you enunciate a lot and you make sure everything you say is spoken clearly and to the point and when it’s just us, it’s… softer? Less controlled? I like that a lot.

You told me that as long as you get to spend time with me, I can think of our meetings however I want.

That is not a heterosexual thing to say to a man, Akechi.

I wonder if you’d be terribly offended if I told you I’d like to think of our meetings as dates, then. Would you laugh it off and call me silly in that high-and-mighty tone of yours? Would you be disgusted? Disappointed a guy you thought could be just a friend ended up thirsting after you?

I’m way too much of a coward to find out.

I like spending time with you. I like that so, so much.

And it almost feels like what I told you about, that impression I had, that you always wear a mask… it feels like that was right? I told you you’re left-handed, and for just a moment, a split second there, you seemed… taken aback? Your eyes narrowed just a bit, and you looked sharper, more tense, and then you immediately relaxed and laughed it off and complimented me.

But I think you were genuinely surprised I picked it up and that it unsettled you somehow. That, for just a second, you might have thought that if I unearthed this secret so easily, who knows what else I’ll find out.

Damn, I want to know all your secrets. I want to unravel you whole and find out what’s hidden behind all these smiles and fake-ass giggles.

I have never, ever felt I was a competitive person, but I want to win against you in everything we do together from now on. And even more than that, I want you to fulfil that promise you gave me. I already know you’re not all you seem, I already know you’re most likely a Persona user like me… I want to face off against you giving it all you’ve got, too.

It’s so strange. I felt so depressed just before and now? I’m excited! I feel like my blood is running faster just thinking about today. Hell, I’m thinking maybe I could call everyone and practice some pool with them tomorrow or at least sooner rather than later, so I can improve quickly. So that next time we play, I can beat you. It almost feels like I’ve been asleep up until now and now I’m awake and there are all these things to do and get better at and… It’s just one meeting. A game of pool, a little conversation.

You’re such a strange person and… you have such an impact on me. You’ve made me feel annoyed, angry, in awe, kinda turned on even… and you’ve made me excited about such a little thing, all in one evening.

I can’t wait until we meet again. I want to see you, talk to you more. I wonder, is it the same for you? It feels kind of hard to imagine, but… I hope it is. 

Goodnight, Akechi Goro. See you soon.

Love,

Ren


	3. Rank 3

Dear Akechi,

Who. WHO FUCKING TITLES THEIR TEXTS LIKE THIS. Ten days of silence (not that I’m counting) and then you SEND ME THIS????

So I’m about to go for our date but I just had to write this down because I know once I’m back I’ll be yelling about other things but.

“I’m alone right now”????? WHO TEXTS LIKE THAT.

Seriously, at this point I’m convinced you know I’m crushing hard on you and are shamelessly using that to torment me. “I’m alone right now” jfc honey if you want to hook up just say so I’ll be right there.

Why do I still write words.

Okay. Deep breath. I’m going out and I’m gonna meet up with you and it’ll all go perfect. Goal for today: give you an honest compliment and hopefully get you to blush. Okay. Here we go.

* * *

Holy shit.

Okay so I’m back and you don’t know this but I actually just spent fifteen minutes laying on my bed and staring at the ceiling with the biggest grin on my face. Morgana said I’m creeping him out and left me alone for the night too so like wow.

Wow.

First of all. First of all. How do I even start this. Doc please send me telepathic guidance or something.

I think I really, really like you.

I still… wow.

I mean, you’re easy to just go ahead and like. How do you not like a guy who sends you a goddamn PICKUP LINE and then the moment you meet comments on how charming and smart you are? Also, I found out you DO know you have all those fan clubs. What was surprising was that you were actually… concerned? They’ll hate on me online? I was like dude my whole school thinks I’m a murderer or some shit, online hate is gonna be nothing compared to that.

I’m glad you think I’m smart though because obviously I am dumb as a brick.

You look cute when you’re enjoying sweets, by the way. It’s like… I don’t think you love sweets all that much, you even told me that, but you look like you’re trying to solve the mysteries of the universe when eating them. I have never seen someone eat cake looking like they were trying to analyse why other people like it so much.

Honestly, I think you’re a nerd and I’d like to push you in a locker (and get inside with you).

Ugh.

I can’t believe I just wrote “ugh” on paper.

Anyway… so I got to mess your hair up today! And it was so, SO SOFT. Even more so than I thought. But it was all… I just, I so didn’t want to cut our date short. And when you said you have to go, I panicked. I grabbed your hand and pulled you into the bathroom and I messed up your hair and suddenly there was this. I’m sure, I’m 100% certain you know what I mean but we legit had that shoujo manga moment where I kind of stopped and we stared at each other. You were so close and you were so shocked. I have not seen an expression this genuine from you yet.

I could have kissed you right then and there.

I wish I did, honestly. But I was so scared you’ll hate it even more than having your hair messed up and wearing my glasses.

You were SO ANGRY when we sat down again, it was kind of hilarious to watch. You were trying so hard NOT TO appear angry the result was like that picture of a kitten I’ve seen online, the “no talk me I’m angy” one. I know I shouldn’t find it this funny but it was and I refuse to be sorry for it.

Sidenote, but you carry a hairbrush in that briefcase of yours and I’d like you to know that makes you an even bigger nerd.

I like you so much, Akechi.

I like your stupid soft hair. I like how you don’t want to inconvenience me with yourself as if you’re scared just the same as me that one wrong word would make this thing we have end. I like how angry you got when I broke apart that put-together, well-groomed image of yours.

I like how afterwards, you called me and told me you’d let me wear your clothes.

I’d love to borrow your clothes. Even that stupid sweatervest you insist on wearing during heatwaves.

I want to know everything about you. Why do you keep meeting up with me? We finished Kaneshiro’s Palace yesterday, but no one knows about it yet - I keep wondering, do  _ you  _ know? Did you follow us into the Metaverse last time, or was that feeling we’re being watched something I’ve only imagined? And, finally, are you the one Kaneshiro blabbed about at the end? The criminal wearing a black mask, someone who uses the Metaverse without any consideration for morals…

Honestly? I guess if I had to imagine what kind of person that criminal would be, you both fit that image and don’t fit it at all.

It’s like our game of pool back then. If you had that kind of power, that kind of edge over the Phantom Thieves - would you use it? Absolutely. Like you’ve shot that break ace shot just to impress me. But then you’ve switched to your non-dominant hand, just to give  _ me  _ an edge. Just because it’d be more thrilling for you that way, and the reward you’d get would be higher.

Would you kill someone to gain something, Akechi? I honestly don’t know if you would. I looked into the mental shutdown and psychotic breakdown cases, just what I could gather from the news, and it doesn’t make any sense. I mean, that train accident for example. What was in it for you? The only thing that achieved was a lot of mayhem and the resignation of some politicians. What could a guy my age get from that?

I’d understand it more, I guess, if you just… I don’t know. Made Shadows spill where they hide their money and rob them in real life. But this? I’d suspect some asshole politician doing moves like that, not a teenager.

Or maybe it’s kind of like an assassin kind of a job. People in power telling you who they want out and you do that, and get money for it. But… I don’t think you’re that rich, or that into this kind of stuff, to be honest.

You work too hard for that if that makes any sense. We’ve barely seen each other for the last couple of weeks and this was the first day in so long you’ve had time to invite me out. More than that - you look tired. Yeah, you’re trying to hide it with that fake smile of yours and concealer, but I know what I’m looking for. You look so done with everything, it was nice making you angry just so that you could let loose a tiny little bit. I know you’re top of your class, I’ve seen more and more interviews with you… You always say you have an early start in the morning whenever we meet at the station and I never see you around when I come back home. I mean, if you were a killer-for-hire kinda guy who was in it just for the money, what would you care for grades and appearances?

Do you know who you remind me of with all this, though?

Myself. Again.

If it meant people acknowledged me… if it meant they’d see me and never abandon me again… I’d work hard, too.

I guess I’m lucky. With the Thieves, Morgana, Boss, everyone else… they just need me to be there for them and that’s all. If I listen, if I tell them what they need to hear, they’re content.

But you don’t have your Thieves. I spent a lot of time scrolling past the posts on your fanbase, and not even the most stalkery of people there could ever snap a picture of you with a friend. Maybe that’s why I felt too scared to kiss you today.

What if I’m your only friend out there? I wouldn’t dare destroy that.

Now I think about it, actually… It’s much less funny, what I did to you back there. Your hair and everything. I’m so terrified one wrong move will make people abandon me, but I didn’t think twice before shoving into your face how messing up your hair care routine will make people dismiss you. It must have felt awful - to hear them all say how “the Detective Prince looked different”.

People only see what’s superficial. I wish I apologized for driving that home for you quite this badly.

I’ll do my best to make it up to you somehow.

Goodnight, Akechi. I hope that despite everything, you’ve had fun with me tonight.

Love,

Ren


	4. July 11th

Dear Goro,

Wow okay I’m just grinning because I wrote down your given name. I’m such a fucking lost cause at this point and I don’t even care.

Can I call you Goro? I mean it’s not like you’ll ever read this because I am not suicidal enough to show you this, but still. I kind of want to. I guess I will and just make damn sure I never, ever slip when we talk outside of the written word.

Am I setting myself up for a disaster? Absolutely.

I guess this is just a roundabout way of saying I, uh…

I’m worried about you?

Yeah. Yeah, I know. You’d be pissed at me if I'd ever thrown this kind of shit at you in person, but I guess I just…

I mean, it’s not like I can talk to you about this is my point. And it’s definitely not like I can talk to any of my friends about it, either. Just imagine Ryuuji’s reaction if I was to sit down with him and go “Hey bro, so Akechi’s sad lately and I’m worried about him”. He’d lose his shit.

On that note, with how much Ryuuji keeps talking about you I’m kind of starting to suspect he’s got a crush, too. I’m not sure he’d realize it if he DID have a crush. I love this guy, I swear, but he can be thick sometimes. Then again, that does make it fun to tease him. Hell, I’d invite him the next time we’re going to hang out together just for funsies if a) I wasn’t hopelessly crushing on you and the thought of sharing you didn’t make me cringe and b) if I didn’t know you’d hate that with burning passion.

And, you know, after we’ve defeated Kaneshiro and half of Tokyo turned against you, I’d rather limit the amount of mental strain you’re under.

I feel so bad about this, Goro. I feel so fucking bad. You don’t deserve all this shit and the amount of vitriol I’m seeing being thrown at you is just disgusting.

I never really apologized to you for that stunt I pulled at the cafe back then, and now… You need to deal with much worse every day. Today, at the station, you’ve told me about it with this… I can’t even describe it. This kind of empty expression under your smile. Like you were trying to cover it, but your eyes kept saying “ah, right, I don’t know what I was expecting”. And you just wanted to go out there and state your opinion, like any human being should be allowed to. You being sketchy aside, the stuff these people, a lot of them people who adored you, now throw at you is just…

I think it’s how dismissive they all are that hurts the most. They all used to call you this special, amazing Detective Prince, and now you’re a “misguided kid” at best and a “delusional, attention-seeking whore” at worst. I stopped going on your fanpages because reading all that shit made me want to dig up the names of every single one of those bastards, find them in Mementos and beat the living crap out of them.

I really hope you’re staying away from the internet right now. I’m just so worried about what you’re going through. I know we had to go through with Kaneshiro’s case, first because of Makoto and then because of the stupid blackmail, and anyway, it’s not like we could let someone like him just go, but… I don’t know.

I wish I could spend more time with you. I wish I could show you that hey, even if you suspect I’m a Phantom Thief, I still got your back. I went to check if you were at that spot in Kichijoji last night just in case, but you’ve told me you were waiting for someone from work and we couldn’t hang out, and… I mean, I get it, but you looked just so tired and so legitimately sad you didn’t have the time, I just wanted to pull you out of there and take you to the movies or something. Somewhere you could escape.

But I didn’t do that and ended up standing there with you chatting for half an hour until that guy you were meeting with showed up, late as fuck and dismissive as even bigger fuck. I think you realized I was angry for you at one point and it seemed to amuse you. I’m glad I made you smile, even if it was just because I got angry at a piece of shit adult who thinks he can make you wait for hours on end and doesn’t realize how lucky he is to be able to spend time with you.

Honestly, at this point I was really glad you’ve bumped into me and Kasumi today and that we could go for coffee at least, even if it was all three of us. Actually, I enjoyed listening to you two talk. I like Kasumi a lot and it’s fun spending time with her even if I end up sore after most of our hangouts. Who knew gymnastics required this much muscle?

But meeting with her while you were there felt completely different from our normal hangouts, and that actually brings me to a very important question: what the fuck, Akechi Goro???

You were totally, absolutely, 100% jealous back there. I didn’t imagine it, right? You’ve seen me with a girl and you invited yourself in, talked with her constantly so that the two of us could barely talk with one another, made her say she doesn’t like the Phantom Thieves and THEN. THEN you just went “Oh I didn’t mean to start an argument, tee-hee~”.

Goro. Goro do you think me and Kasumi are a thing. Goro me and Kasumi are not a thing. I’m gay as fuck for you please if you actually do like me back confess to me instead of trying to sabotage my non-existent relationship.

To be fair I am most likely exaggerating (BUT AM I?) and you were just asking innocent questions. Hell, maybe you’re into Kasumi yourself, though I doubt that because… well, I mean, because I’m a wishful thinker most likely. And also just really hope you’re as gay as you appear to be.

So this is my fourth letter to you and I can’t believe I’ve gotten this far with this exercise. Doc said he’s proud of me and dropped the issue when I told him I wrote some letters like he told me to, so it’s not like there’s a need for me to write any more. But it did feel good, to let out some stuff I can’t really talk to anyone else about from time to time.

It is bumming me out, that at this point, I really can’t talk to anyone else about this. I mean, you’ve gone on live TV denouncing the Phantom Thieves and everyone took it so personally, even though you DID have good points. It’s not just my crush on you talking, by the way - yeah, me and the rest of Thieves know we’re the good guys, but what proof does the rest of the society have to that end? When you think about it, we’re a group of people no one knows and no one can control, brainwashing others through unknown means and making people have complete changes in personality against their will. The fact we’re using our power for good, so that awful adults get what justice they’d have never gotten otherwise, doesn’t really matter here. If we turned bad and started acting like that criminal Kaneshiro mentioned, just focused on our own gain, who’d be able to fight us? Who’d be able to control us?

The police and court system in Japan is rotten, yeah, and the fact there is a need for us in the first place is a testament to that, but… I understand everything you’ve said about us. I know - I hope - that if you’ve gotten to know us you’d change your mind, or maybe you’d just see that we’re not going to turn bad, but… you don’t know us. So I can’t expect you to turn into a Phanboy just because we’ve taken down a mafia boss.

Try getting Ryuuji and Mona to understand that, though.

Sidenote, but I’ve seen some merch for the Phantom Thieves going around already and you’d look really cute in that.

Soooo yeah. I have a crush on a guy who denounced my secret identity and for good reasons. And thus I cannot talk about that crush to anyone, because all my friends think you’re a stuck-up idiot for not blindly believing in us. I guess Ann wouldn’t really protest too hard if I said anything, she herself mentioned how you had a point, but Ryuuji and Mona are a no-go. I have no idea how Yusuke would react and Makoto would just yell at me for being reckless and falling for the “enemy”.

I’ve not fallen for the enemy. Even if you do have some ties to the mental shutdowns and psychotic breakdowns, even if you are something completely different underneath all that facade, I refuse to call you my enemy.

You’re my rival. It might sound weird, but as time passes I keep thinking that that’s something really special. Even if I had enough guts to confess to you and we somehow became boyfriends, I think we’d still be rivals first and foremost.

You’re someone who makes me want to get better at everything I do. Someone who drives me, be it via the need to impress my crush or pure, unadulterated spite and need to see you lose to me at something.

Even if the whole world now decides you’re nothing special, you  _ are  _ special to me, Goro.

I just… wish I could convey that better. I wish I could make you see just how important you are to me.

I hope I’ll see you soon, Goro. For now, sleep well. I hope you’re getting some good rest.

Love,

Ren


	5. July 29th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Jasmine](https://twitter.com/Jazazamine) drew this [ADORABLE PIECE](https://twitter.com/Jazazamine/status/1290993480764985344?s=20) for this chapter! Thank you so much again ;;

Dear Goro,

It’s two in the goddamn morning and if Mona finds out I snuck out of bed to write letters using my phone as a flashlight he’ll be pissed. And if I end up with my face clawed up after tonight it’ll be your fault, because you’ve just asked me out on a date.

Aquarium. Aquarium date. Goro that’s Gay. With a capital G.

I can’t even words right now. I should really go to sleep but this is a date, right? Please let me dream. It’s definitely gonna be a date.

* * *

It was _totally_ a date.

Hello, my name is Amamiya Ren and I’m sitting in my attic and writing letters to my crush instead of doing something productive with my life because I came home feeling like my head’s gonna burst from it all.

Goro, did you know that I’ve never been to an aquarium before? I know, it’s incredible, but my hometown wasn’t exactly big enough to have one and… Wow, aquariums are really nice. But like, I knew it’s a date spot, but I guess I wasn’t entirely prepared for just how much of a date spot it is?

I never thought I’d say this, but with all the fish around us, it was just really pretty. The aquarium wasn’t very crowded, even though it’s Sunday, and you kept looking over at me, to check if I was enjoying myself. I can’t even remember half the exhibits we’ve seen. I kept thinking how perfect it’d be if I just moved a bit to the side, took your hand in mine, and we’d share a secret little smile in that beautiful, blue light…

I’ve never done it, though.

Fuck, why am I such a goddamn coward? I hate it so much.

At this point, I’m pretty sure you  _ do  _ feel something for me, too. I should just go and say this. I mean, even if you shoot me down, we can still be friends, right? It doesn’t have to turn awkward.

Haha…

You’re so beautiful. For the first time in weeks, you looked like you’ve gotten some good sleep and you were genuinely enjoying yourself, and I feel so ridiculously proud like it was somehow my doing you were having so much fun. When Ohya appeared out of fucking nowhere back then I thought I was going to snap, because I hated having a moment with you interrupted, even by someone I consider a friend, but… 

You’ve told her we’re “fairly close”.

Akechi Goro, I demand to know what does that MEAN.

Did you mean it in like, “oh yeah he’s a guy I met a few times and he was the only person who had time to go with me today” kind of way? Or did you mean it in the “yeah he’s my boyfriend, what of it” kind of way?

Guess which one I’m hoping for. Just take a wild shot in the dark.

I don’t even know why I’m so hung up on this whole outing today. It was just… it felt so nice, to see you again. To go out with you somewhere new, somewhere you haven’t been to before, either. To learn these new things about you I never would have guessed.

Like the fact you think penguins are cute. Or the way your eyes went so big when we stopped by that huge tank with sharks in it. And by that pool of nibble fish, that big one started to poke at your thumb and I swear to god I have never heard anything as adorable as the giggle you let out there. You sounded so surprised and giddy and  _ genuine _ and fuck my life. 

~~ Fuck me, actually. ~~

Also, that huge rant you went on when you just started going off about coral reefs and their ecosystem and whatever? I hope you didn’t notice I didn’t really register a word you were saying because you’re way too pretty when you’re nerding out. I could listen to you for hours.

But I think you know what my favourite part was. That underwater tunnel with jellyfish floating all around us. It was dark and you were looking all around the place like a kid in a candy store and I couldn’t help myself but pretend I tripped and bump into you and. For just a moment, you were so surprised you laughed, and I mean laughed, not just giggled in that fake way of yours, and I could die. And you held me steady and said something like “careful there, Amamiya-kun” and I am now convinced I’m a shoujo manga protagonist or something.

I wish you didn’t let go, back there. I know there were other people there, and I  _ know  _ that logically, it’s not like anything  _ could  _ happen - you probably don’t even like me back, in all honesty - but still…

At the end of it all, I guess I didn’t really care for the aquarium or for the sharks or nibble fish or coral reefs. I could spend the whole day just watching you have fun and I’d consider it a success even if I haven’t seen a single fish.

And afterwards… honestly? At one point, I thought you were going to say something. When I bought you that penguin plushie, like, I knew I was being obvious and probably making you uncomfortable, but… the way you just hugged it to your chest after the initial surprise, and I thought... 

But nothing happened. And you just thanked me and we went our separate ways and now I feel like I have a whirlpool in my brain and somehow, for the first time ever, I don’t think the letters are helping.

At this point, I feel like I’m beyond help.

I just want to hold your hand and tell you I care about you. Why can’t I bring myself to just… do it?

I… think I’m going to end this letter here. I just want you to know… Today was lovely. Absolutely lovely. I just wish I had enough guts to make it an even nicer day for you, Goro.

Maybe one day I’ll have it in me to do so.

Goodnight. I hope you have the sweetest dreams tonight.

Love,

Ren


	6. Rank 4

Dear Goro,

Just four days passed since our date at the aquarium and I’ve been thinking about nothing but you for every single one of them.

It’s strange, you know? I told you before that I’ve never really crushed on a real person before, so maybe I’m exaggerating, but… Is it really normal? The way everything reminds me of you. The way I keep wanting to show you stuff I find endearing or just think you’d like. The way I keep idly thinking of what could I buy you as a gift that’d make you happy.

(On that subject, for some reason I kind of want to get you a roomba? You’ve told me last time you had so many chores piled up due to always being busy and I just thought, why not get yourself a roomba. Or better yet, I could get you one. I’d put googly eyes on it and tell you its name was Sir Suck-A-Lot just so I could see you go from wonder at getting a gift to absolute deadpan wonder at how dumb I am. What. Don’t judge me I like when you look at me like I’m an idiot.)

ANYWAY.

All I’m trying to say is, you’d think that with Medjed threatening us, Futaba still asleep and the possibility of Phantom Thieves being outed and arrested, I’d think of something more than “I hope Goro won’t hate me when he finds out who I am”.

Then again I think you have a good idea of who I am. In more ways than one. I mean, if I managed to catch onto some hints that you’re more than you appear, if I figured out that you’re most likely Black Mask, even if I can’t understand what reasons you might have for that… then it’s only natural you’d have figured me out a long time ago, right? It’s not like we’re exactly sneaky. With the amount of yelling about being Phantom Thieves Ryuuji does, I’m surprised we haven’t been arrested yet. For someone smart like you, someone who’s this quick-thinking, I just… don’t think it’s possible you don’t know I’m Joker.

I really wish I could confront you about it, honestly. Sadly, I can’t. Confessing to being a Phantom Thief would be much easier than confessing to  ~~ being in love ~~ crushing on you, but it’s not just my secret to keep. And the rest of the Thieves will sooner skin me alive than let me tell the detective looking into us who we are.

Even though I wish I could talk with you sincerely. I mean… yeah, you’re hiding a lot of stuff, too, but you’ve been opening yourself up to me so much recently. I think it even surprised you sometimes, how much you do.

On that note…

It’s stupid, it’s not like you’re going to read it, but… thanks. For showing me the jazz club today. I was so happy you’ve invited me out so soon after our last date, I didn’t even consider what you might be planning, but you’ve blown me away, like always.

Seriously though, it made me so… so soft, to know you trust me enough to show me a place like that. It felt so private, so much like you. I wasn’t even into jazz all that much, but you definitely have me hooked now. And… the way you looked, when you just listened to the singer, eyes closed, completely relaxed… it made the music sound all the more sweet. I kept thinking how grateful I was for this place - that you have a spot you can escape to, where you can relax, free from the press and the fans and the backlash. 

I wanted to take your hand, pull you against my chest and card my fingers through your hair when I saw you relaxed like that. It’d feel like the most natural thing to do in the world, but I knew I would never dare disturb your peace like that.

When I came home and told Morgana we went to the jazz club, he commented on how I should invite more people there, that it might have some beneficial effects in the Metaverse. I don’t think I could ever do that, though. It’s… it’s too special. I wouldn’t want you to think I’ve betrayed your confidence like that, inviting someone else to your special place, but also… It’s not just special to you.

It’s our place now, at least in my mind. It’s somewhere we can meet not to compete and try to outdo each other, like with the pool or darts, but… a place where we can both go to relax with each other. We’ve talked long into the evening today, and I loved simply chatting with you, looking at your smile, enjoying the music and the drinks.

It’s not something I want to share with anyone else, and I think… I  _ know  _ you feel the same.

So… thank you, Goro. For inviting me out, for putting up with my awkwardness and for trusting me so much.

I wish I could somehow pay you in kind.

Until next time,

Love,

Ren


	7. Rank 5

Dear Goro,

We went to the arcade today and I’m… pretty sure you’re going to try and kill me (or all of us) one of these days.

And not in the good sense of the word.

I mean don’t get me wrong at this point if you pointed a gun at me my idiot brain would probably just go “wow that’s hot” but that is not the point.

What were you up to lately..? It’s been a while since our Jazz Jin date and I… kind of missed you. It’s been raining so much lately and while I love the rain, I kept thinking that it might be annoying to you. I know you like cycling in your free time, and rain probably forces you to either walk around under an umbrella or squeeze yourself into public transport. With so many people still hating on you, that can’t be pleasant.

Honestly? I was surprised when I got a message from you today. I was even more surprised when you said we’re going to the arcade. But even that was less… thought-provoking, I guess? Than that whole hangout ended up being.

So this was one giant warning, wasn’t it? You said this was your first time playing Gun About so many times just to drive home how used to gunplay you are, to do that well on your first try. You weren’t trying to hold back like in pool - hell, you’ve even used your left hand.

And once we were done, that comment you’ve made… about training to “take me out”...

I can’t even make a smitten joke about that line. Actually, no, I can. Take me out, Akechi Goro. With a gun or on a date, it can be a surprise.

Haha…

You’ve said you expected my answer to your question about justice - that it’s sticking to your own beliefs. Does that mean that for you, it’s doing what others expect of you, so that you’re revered as a hero…? So that you’re appreciated? Am I thinking into this too much?

Why are you warning me? Why now? Futaba is still asleep and Medjed is still threatening us; it’s not like there was some huge break in our situation. If you wanted to kill us and if my suspicions are correct, then you’ve had a lot of occasions for that in Mementos. So why…?

Or… are you really an assassin, working on someone else’s orders? Was that what you meant by saying that your justice means sticking to what others expect of you? Did someone put a price on our heads and you’re trying to tell me to back off, or else you’ll need to take me out for real…? 

My head hurts.

This is making me so upset, this whole stupid situation.

Is it weird that I’m not… angry? I don’t feel like I’m in danger, even if you’ve just finished essentially threatening me. More than that, I feel…

Fuck, how do I even feel?

Doc might have been onto something when he said I can’t express my emotions correctly. Even to myself.

I feel… worried. About you, mostly. I feel frustrated. I want to know what kind of shit have you gotten yourself into, I want to know why you’re doing the things you do. If I suspect correctly - if you  _ really  _ are Black Mask, there  _ has to  _ be a reason.

Why would you follow someone else’s orders so readily, even though you don’t want to - because if you wanted to, why warn me? Can you not refuse them? Did you get tangled into some dark yakuza shit and can’t get out? How can I help you? Why won’t you sit down with me and talk with me sincerely and let me help you…?

Then again, you’re probably the only person I’ve met so far that explicitly doesn’t want my help.

I think what I feel most of all, today, is sadness. I feel like something incredibly precious - that bond, that rivalry we have - is crumbling and falling through my fingers and I don’t know why. Just what, two, three weeks ago, when we were at the aquarium, I felt like a regular kid in love.

Now, I’m trying to figure out why a guy I

Oh shit.

I don’t know if I can use that word…? I did feel like a kid in love. But is it okay for me to think I love you…? This word is so heavy and… somehow, I think you’d hate it being used lightly. We don’t even know each other that long - so then why do I feel this connection, this pull, like my heart is being tugged out of my chest and towards you every time we see each other? I know I’m different in your eyes, too. I know at least this connection, this  _ fate  _ that keeps pushing us into one another is something we both feel.

But is it fair to call something like this a profound word such as love..? 

I don’t know.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to tell. It just… keeps slipping out. 

So… anyway. Yeah. I was so happy just a few weeks ago, and now… I’m trying to figure out if you’re going to try and kill me.

You could say this is a bit of a big dip in the mood.

What’s honestly the most frustrating is that… I don’t want this.

I don’t want any of this.

I wrote to you some time ago how I feel like I can’t talk to anyone else about you, right? And this is all just… it’s all the same thing.

I never told you my story, but… I came to Tokyo because I was forced to do so. I tried to save a woman I saw getting assaulted, and that ended in my arrest. When I saw my parents next, they… they wouldn’t even look at me. The court decided I’m a delinquent and a violent, unstable brat who couldn’t be trusted to behave in our “peaceful community”. My school threw me out. All of my friends stopped contacting me. They’ve even blocked my number so I won’t try to call them. And my parents packed my clothes into a cardboard box, put me on a train and sent me away.

I never wanted that to happen. No, trying to protect that woman wasn’t a mistake, but…

After all that, when I finally arrived, I honestly just wanted to stay quiet during my probation, go through it, come back home and… and just  _ hope  _ everything went back to normal by then. I know the look you’d have given me right now, if you heard me say it. Yeah, I’m naive like that, but back then? My heart was broken into so many pieces I had to think of something, anything that would keep me together. I’d have fallen apart otherwise.

But I couldn’t just keep quiet, could I? I got saddled with that strange power, pulled into the Velvet Room against my will, told “ruin” awaits me… And again, do I regret changing Kamoshida’s heart and starting this whole Phantom Thief thing? No. I don’t. I’d have done it again and again, no matter how many times I was asked to choose, but…

I don’t know, Goro. I just… Sometimes I really just want to be a normal kid. I don’t want to be only Joker in their eyes. I don’t want to be the leader, the trickster, whatever names they call me.

I wish I could have met you before all this, years earlier, when we were both just two boys without the burden of “being special” on us.

Because I really, really want to be just a high school kid in love with a cute guy he saw at the TV station. And… maybe that’s exactly why you’ve gone out of your way to warn me tonight.

Maybe that’s what you want, too.

Well… I think you knew, even giving me that warning, that while I appreciate it, I won’t back down. I don’t think we  _ can  _ back down right now, as the Phantom Thieves. Provided Futaba wakes up and she actually manages to take Medjed down before they do that to us, the public’s expectations on the Phantom Thieves will only grow. And it’ll be so much harder to just stop, once they do.

So I’ll go ahead with my plans and you will with yours. And I hope against hope that somewhere in the middle of those we’ll still keep hanging out.

Because you know what? Even if I think it’s never going to work, even if I think it’s going to backfire on me terribly… I still want to keep that precious thing between us.

I still want to just be a stupid kid in love with you.

Until next time, Goro. Please, don’t make me wait too long this time. I’ll miss you too much if you do.

Love,

Ren


	8. Rank 6

Dear Goro,

~~ So, today was ~~

~~ I did miss you terribly. I’m glad today you’ve ~~

~~ I didn’t think I’d ever be able to say it but today I ~~

What the hell is wrong with me.

I don’t even know what I should write. When Doc gave me this exercise he said it was going to help. That it was a way to organize my thoughts. But I don’t even know what I’m thinking, so how can I start to organize all that..?

You’ve come to Leblanc today.

I’ve seen you naked and you’re gorgeous.

I think I know what you’re all about now.

I think I’m… seriously in love with you.

I don’t understand you at all, all the same.

So, I guess that’s it! Exercise finished. Doc’ll be proud.

It doesn’t help shit though.

I don’t know…

Just a few minutes ago you’ve called me, like you usually do after our dates, and you’ve told me that… that you can’t figure me out, no matter how hard you try.

How? Literally how? What’s so mysterious about me? I’m just a hopeless gay in love with a guy who’s way out of my league. It’s you who’s impossible to figure out. Every time you open up to me, every time I start to think I understand you, I just get even more lost. It’s like I’m seeing two different people.

No wonder you’re a gemini.

Yes, I checked your birthday. So what. Sue me. I was hoping I could maybe gift you something nice, shut up.

It’s just…

I mentioned you’ve come to Leblanc, right? Well, you’ve come here before. Right after Futaba woke up and took care of Medjed and all. And I’ve seen you taking the sudden criticism kinda badly but that whole oversharing kicked puppy act? That was fake.

And I think it was fake because you wanted Futaba to think you’re nice, so she’d trust you. So I’d trust you.

Well, the joke’s on you, asshole, cause I happen to trust you in some weird way despite literally all my instincts yelling at me not to.

But today… today was so different.

I’ve never seen you like this. And I don’t just mean naked, okay, yeah, I’ve never seen you naked before and WOW just let me say, WOW, and leave it like that.

Actually, no, I’m not just going to leave it like that because writing that down made me remember and I just, wow.

I’m so eloquent, no fucking wonder you keep gushing how smart I am. Yep, can totally see that.

Just, how, HOW can a guy, a total nerd who wears sweatervests during heatwaves, be this drop-dead gorgeous out of his clothes? Don’t get me wrong, I love how you look in all your clothes (yeah, I said it, ALL of them, come at me Akechi Goro fans who think you dress like an old man. Yes, you do, but you’re a HOT old man, ok?)

I don’t want to think of what that sentence I just wrote says about my kinks. MOVING ON.

So, yeah? You in clothes? 10/10, amazing, would kiss. You without clothes? Fucking 100/10, would kiss all, and I mean ALL over.

My goal in life is to one day be lucky enough to just actually tell you how lovely you are because if that ever happens I’m just going to regale your legs alone for hours on end ok.

Fuck.

Also, I owe my fucking everything to Boss for suggesting we go to the bathhouse together in the first place. Like... hooooo boy, does this man know his son is gay? Because he’s acting like the best wingman ever. I’m getting him a bouquet of roses or some shit just for this, mark my words.

Okay but back to my original point… what was my original point?

I had to reread that whole section of this stupid letter just now and I kind of wish I didn’t have to do that. But yeah! Before I started gushing on how fucking unfairly beautiful you are, I meant to say…

I’ve never seen you so… genuine before.

It was like once we were both naked and alone in that bathhouse, you finally let all the masks slip for a while. I’ve never seen you talk about your past like that - about what brought you such immense pain, about what you  _ want _ ... 

Fuck, Goro, I… When I tried to comfort you somehow, you’ve immediately deflected and hid behind your Detective Prince mask again, but... 

I’m really sorry you’ve had to go through all this shit. I’m sorry your mum had to work where she worked to support you two. I’m sorry your piece of a shit father never got what justice he should have gotten for destroying your life.

I’m sorry I couldn’t help you. I wish… somehow, even though I know it wouldn’t have changed anything, I wish I could have met you sooner.

I keep thinking, though… you’ve told me what you want. What was driving you, all those years. To get that bastard to apologize to your mother. And… see, it’d all fit somehow. If you’re really Black Mask - and by now I’m convinced you are - then… yeah. Like I suspected, it’s not money or influence driving you. It’s revenge. All these incidents you’re causing, all the stuff happening all around, it’s somehow all in order for you to get your justice. But…

You’ve told me… you’ve said that it’s not possible anymore. That your mum won’t…

I don’t understand.

The only way I can somehow imagine explaining all that is… that you’ve been at it for so long, that getting your father to apologize to her was the only thing driving you. So, after she left… It was either to give up everything or keep on going blindly, but then… You’re just hurtling towards some meaningless goal that’ll most likely get you killed, or at least seriously hurt, and the only reason you have for doing that is that… you don’t have anything else. It’s die with your father living a comfortable life and never getting served justice or die and at least taking him down with you, right?

Fuck, I just… I want to hug you so much right now. No, more than that… I want to give you a third option, somehow. I want you to  _ live _ ...

So I’m… pages long into that letter and I feel like I’m right where I started. I still don’t know how to feel about all this. About you. About us. What can I do? Is there anything I can do, or anything I could have done differently? How much time do we have left? What do I do to help you, Goro, to have you accept my help…?

I just don’t know...

When we came back from the bathhouse, you’ve stayed over for so long, I really felt… I felt like you didn’t want to leave. That you were so comfortable in your almost-fully-open, relaxed state you didn’t want to lose that.

I wish you’d have stayed. I wish I had enough guts to invite you to stay, or to kiss you and tell you how I feel about you - open and vulnerable, like you’ve been to me.

You know… when we were sitting with our coffee after the bathhouse, playing chess on that old chessboard Boss found for us somewhere, at one point I found myself thinking… This is what I want. If I could freeze that moment, make it our lives… if I could spend my life seeing you smile, watching you laugh and tease me as you kick my butt in chess and point out my mistakes and teach me to be better…

I don’t think I can come up with a wish I would like to come true more than that.

If I told you that all I want right now is for us to keep being friends… maybe something more… but more than that, to keep you happy…

What would you think of me?

A part of me thinks you’d be glad. That it’d be something you’d want, too.

Though… I think that part of me’s a wishful thinker, honestly. I think you’d find that dull, in the long run. Disgusting, even.

For someone like you, to settle on simple pleasures like that… No, I can’t see you do this, no matter how much I’d want to.

Then again, I don’t know if there’s a point in speculating like that. It’s like you’ve said - for tonight, you were just Akechi Goro, for a change. And it helped you relax and breathe easier - it  _ made you  _ happy, for whatever brief moment it did.

Maybe I don’t need a whole life like that. Maybe, if there’s a chance… if I could keep giving you these happy moments, just once in a while… These tiny, precious shards of joy, private, just for the two of us…

That’d be more than enough, honestly.

Love,

Ren


	9. Rank 7

Dear Goro,

I want to confess something to you. Are you listening? Cause there’s something I really want you to know.

You’re a fucking ASSHOLE.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SILENT TREATMENT FOR?

Two fucking months. Two months, Goro! Two of months! That’s not even fucking funny! You don’t DO THAT TO A GUY.

Oh, by the way, THANKS for not giving me any heads up you’ll go and just fucking blackmail yourself into our team. Oh and thanks for the nice shot of conflicting feelings you’ve given me after it finally hit me you’re not just planning to kill me, you’ve killed Haru’s dad and Futaba’s mum. THAT was just what I needed.

I just… fuck.

I’m so fucked.

The only bright side of this whole fucking mess is your face when you ate that goddamn takoyaki. You fully deserved a mouthful of chilli powder for the sole reason of being a DICK.

Oh, and, by the way, turns out you’re not JUST an asshole, you’re also sloppy as fuck. Did you know Morgana, of all people, caught onto your little “oh I totally couldn’t hear you back then” schtick? And now Morgana knows, obviously so does everyone else. We didn’t even START Sae’s Palace properly, and the Phantom Thieves you look so down on already have you figured out. Ha. Take that, you fucking smartass.

What was it all for, anyway? How long do we know each other, Akechi? Since June! I’d count how many months that is but I’m gay and can’t do math! You’ve had my number ever since then, you’ve met with me, you’ve told me about so much stuff but you draw a line at your suspicions about the Phantom Thieves?! And for fucking what, so you can gloat at our surprised faces?

You  _ knew  _ you could have come to me with it! You could’ve sat me down and tell me you know who I am, that you want us to defeat Sae and find that “totally-not-you” villain you were going on about! And you knew I’d listen and most likely agree or at least pass the message to the Thieves without you antagonizing them and-

Why? Why didn’t you just come to me?! Do you have this little faith in our connection?! I swear to fucking god, every time I meet you it’s a coin toss between which version of you I’m going to be talking with! Is it gonna be the smug piece of shit, sweet to the point of tooth-rot, or is it going to be my friend, open and cynical in that really charming way, the man who  _ trusts  _ me, the one I have such deep connection with and

...oh.

_ Oh _ .

Oh shit. 

There’s the reason, huh.

It’s not that… it’s not that you didn’t trust me to rely on the message or whatever, or that you were scared I’d refuse.

It’s that… this is a part of your plan, the one involving killing me.

You didn’t want to use our connection to progress that thing, even if it meant pulling more suspicion on yourself. Even if it meant compromising your plan.

Fuck.

...I’m sorry, Goro.

I just… I don’t know what to think. I sat down to write this because you’ve invited me out for pool and I… I got so angry. At myself, mostly, because despite all that… Leaving me hanging for two months, blackmail, lies, everything - I wanted to immediately jump up and run to you the moment you called.

And I got so angry at it I just had to let it all out so I can “pretend” when I meet up with you, but…

I don’t want to pretend anymore. That’d… be cruel. Because the you who’s making all these plans and the you that just wants to hang out… they’re not the same person, are they? And today, Akechi Goro wants to hang out with me.

...is it weird? I think I actually… like both of you, even if that other you is planning some fucked-up shit.

I think I’m ready to go now. And I definitely won’t lose this time. You haven’t played pool with me for ages; you don’t know all the tricks I’ve learnt. Even though it’s against you with that stupid handicap, I refuse to lose.

And when I win… will you honour your promise, the one you’ve made to me so long ago? Will you go against me with everything you have? And if yes… what will happen then?

It’s really been months since we’ve met, since I started writing these letters… and I think Doc really has been onto something when he said these might help me learn to process my emotions better. Because now I see my emotions, my feelings for you have changed.

It started with a silly little crush, me seeing a pretty boy and just happily falling for him. And at the same time, on the other side of that was suspicion, because you could hear Mona talking.

Now I feel something deeper, something more passionate towards you - a feeling I’m still kind of scared to name consistently. Now I stopped imagining how it’d be to hold your hand - instead, I keep imagining how it’d be to kiss you. And… well, not only that.

Honestly, you’d laugh at the kind of fantasies I have about you, especially after you’ve left me with minimal contact for these two months. Like how I’d love to see you stop by Leblanc; how I’d invite you upstairs, how you’d crowd my personal space and steal my breath away. How I’d wrap my arms around you and never let you go.

Sometimes I imagine other scenarios, too. When I’m angry at you, I imagine myself pushing you against the wall and kissing you until you’re whining against me, so I can feel that  _ power  _ over you because I know there’s nothing that’d give me more satisfaction than tearing control from you, with how much in control you always seem to be.

And sometimes, when I need to reflect on another side of that feeling - on the betrayal, the knowledge that despite how I feel about you, you’re still planning to kill me, you’ve killed people my friends loved - I imagine really stupid things, too. Like… meeting your other self, meeting Black Mask in Mementos some way. Being cornered, being at your mercy and seeing you push me over the edge until I can’t breathe anymore.

And suddenly the idea of being murdered seems pretty damn hot.

I just groaned out loud.

It’s true, though. You’re a mass of contradictions. I never know what to expect when I’m with you. But that’s you - a coin with two sides, and our relationship is exactly the same. We’re so different that in a certain light we appear the same.

And I adore the whole coin. Both sides of it - of you, of us. I just need to figure out what to do with it all. But I will, eventually. You can count on it.

Love,

Ren

PS: I want you to know your Metaverse outfit is STUPID.


	10. Rank 8

Dear Goro,

...wow. Okay.

So… remember when I wrote to you before and kept whining how I don’t understand you and how what you do makes no sense and shit…?

I think I understand you now.

I also think that, well… I don’t think I  _ can  _ help you. And it’s an awful feeling to have.

Two days ago, after our pool date (during which I kicked your ass, I want it written down for generations to come), you acted pretty strange. You were so… Excited? You’ve tried your best to hide it, but you were practically vibrating under all that pleasant fakeness. And you’ve asked me… to join you. To abandon my friends and work with you from now on.

And, you know what? My first instinct was to say yes.

Yeah. I know.

But before my stupid lizard brain could go ahead and say it I realized… you’re asking seriously. You were still smiling at me and your tone was super light and joking but when I looked at your eyes, you were  _ deadly  _ serious. And I realized… I could never say it, not really.

First of all… I could never abandon my friends like that, betray all their trust. Even if I complain about them… even if I feel like they’re not as much interested in me as a person as they’re spending time with me in order to gain something, to get better… I still love them, warts and all. They’re my friends, and even if they’re not perfect - I’m not perfect, either, so it kind of all checks out. And I can’t imagine just… betraying them. I couldn’t do something selfish like that.

Because don’t get me wrong… Some part of me wants to. Some deep, burning part of me wants to fall into you and drown. Join forces so there’s just you and I against the whole world we’d destroy and build anew the way we want it. With you by my side, I know it’d be possible. I could do anything I wanted, with no reservations at all, and we’d make the whole world burn for what it did to us.

But an even bigger part of me knows that… that’s not something that’d be good for either of us. That we’d destroy ourselves in that madness. And even though at this point I don’t even think I’d mind it that much, that’s not something I want for you. And even more than that…

I want to keep being your rival. Like I’ve told you… like you’ve told  _ me _ , a relationship of equals suits us much better. The idea of us ceasing our endless competitions, our fights, just in order to work together sounded so  _ dull  _ in comparison.

And speaking of fights…

You’ve promised you’ll come at me with everything you’ve got the next time we meet. So why did you break your promise today?

Don’t get me wrong, I was  _ thrilled  _ \- if a little surprised - when you told me we’re going to Mementos to fight. But the you I fought against still held himself back. It wasn’t an easy fight, and yeah, I felt that excitement too - I felt that bubbling-hot surge of energy in my veins that only facing off with you gives me. But it wasn’t enough.

In the end, when we had to stop, I completely understood why you’ve said you’re not satisfied with just this.

It did feel good, though. That kind of a sparring match between the two of us, it definitely helped me vent some feelings. I wanted to go even further - to go full force against you, too, to show you what I’m truly capable of…

I’m kind of scared there’ll come a time I’ll  _ need  _ to go against you like that, and soon. But that’s another story.

So now it’s the evening, and I feel sore and tired and at peace, but in the kind of way that’s more a calm before a storm than relaxation. Things you’ve told me and things you’ve said to other people keep milling in my mind as I’m trying to decide, once again, how I feel about it all.

Futaba’s bug on your phone worked perfectly - she made us all listen to you explaining just how you’re planning to kill me. The rest of the Thieves are outraged at it - all I could think about was how unlike yourself you’ve sounded. Dissociating hard, huh?

So now they’re working on a plan on how to get me out of there alive and ignoring me whenever I say I’m not really comfortable getting arrested in the first place and how about we actually worked together in order to stop  _ that  _ from happening. The Thieves didn’t even think about it and when I said it, they just… dismissed the idea. Like it’d be any harder to beat you up, tie you to a chair, steal Sae’s treasure and get you to spill the name of the bastard you work for so we can take care of him next. But, no. Apparently risking my life is much  _ safer _ .

For them, sure.

I digress, but I can’t really help it. It’s frustrating - it was part of the reason why I found it so easy to just go at it with you. Some part of me thought, if I can beat you here, maybe I’ll stop this whole stupid plan from happening.

No such luck, though.

Is it weird that… I’m kind of like, in the “no hard feelings” stage with you?

I know, logically, it’s you who’ll just in a few weeks try to kill me. Like, actually put a bullet through my brain. But… I don’t… hold that against you? 

How do I even convey what I mean without sounding like I’m seriously disturbed.

You know… well, you  _ don’t  _ know, but you’re not reading that right now so I’ll pretend you do - how all my friends, all my Confidants represent a certain tarot arcana in my head? It happens kind of automatically and probably has something to do with the Velvet Room, but…

Well, just take my word for it and assume I’m sane and telling the truth. Every person I make a bond with assumes an arcana at the very start, automatically.

So… yours was always Justice.

Yeah, I know what you’ll think. Justice, huh. Perfect for your fake-ass Detective Prince persona, right? The real you - not so much. I thought that, too, until a few days ago I ended up talking about stuff like this with Chihaya, and… you know, one thing she told me stuck with me a lot. I can’t remember the direct quote, but she said something like…

“The sword of justice swings to deliver the blow and will not be swayed by things like outer beauty or emotion.”

So… that’s you, right?

Because from what Chihaya had said, just like with Death arcana, Justice isn’t what it seems at first. It’s not about obeying the law. It’s more than that. It’s your deeds coming back to haunt you. Like with your father - no matter how much time passes and who gets to see it in the end, he’ll pay for his crimes, one way or the other. You’ve passed the sentence; you’ve swung your sword.

And whatever it cuts through on its way down to your father’s neck… well, you can’t stop the blow being dealt now, can you.

So I’m just that. I’m the emotion that won’t sway you, the obstacle that won’t slow down your sword. Even though I think… I really think you don’t want to cut me down on the way.

I really hope the others’ idiotic plan works. It’s not that I don’t want you to kill me - I think we’ve established by now I think murder is kinda hot, apparently - but…

If we  _ are  _ to destroy one another eventually, I want to go out with a bang. I want to go with that burning excitement running through my veins. I want it to be in a fight, where we’re equals, where we see eye to eye.

And I want to see you going all out before that.

Until then… I’ll accept the duel you’ve challenged me to. I’ll hang onto your glove. And if you  _ dare  _ to go against me with just a fraction of your powers again, I swear, I’ll drop the whole Persona stuff and just come up and punch you in the face until you take me seriously.

Because though you’ve told me that you hate me today… I really don’t think that’s the only thing you feel for me. Like a coin all over again, right?

See you soon, Goro.

Let the best man win.

Love,

Ren


	11. November 16th

Dear Goro,

So…

I think I’m getting killed in a few days but that thought is weirdly not at the forefront of my mind right now.  Can you guess why that is, ace detective?

I’ll give you a hint.

I’m gay. I’m super gay. And today I’ve been kissed by a guy I have a giant fucking crush on.

I’m going to COMBUST oh my GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU JUST WENT AND

You feel the same????

First of all, how DARE you I’ve been agonizing over not wanting to ruin our friendship for literal MONTHS now and you’ve felt the same about me all this time?

Why can’t my one (1) goddamn braincell do its JOB why didn’t I tell you SOONER do you know how many kisses we could’ve had by now I’m gonna fucking DIE.

Literally AND figuratively speaking and both times I’m being killed by the SAME GUY.

Your lips are so soft I. How do I even process. Mine are probably so chapped but do I care? No. But I’ll buy myself some lip gloss if I survive the next few days because HOLY SHIT I am SO kissing you again.

It felt so good. It was so good. You’re so warm, and you smell… I can’t even describe it. Some flowery scent that I’m gonna hunt down and pin to a specific flower, but also it’s not really just flowery? It’s… warm and kind of musky and it made me want to lean in and just, bury my head in your neck and breathe in you.

Frankly, when you’ve invited me out, considering it’s literal days before the whole plan’s taking effect I was pretty shocked. I mean, last time we’ve met just the two of us you ended up telling me you hate me and challenging me to a duel and it’s been all kind of final, you know? But then not even two weeks later I get a message from you to meet up at the Jazz Club and I jump up and run like an obedient little dog.

Again, not looking forward to one day having to analyze what that says about my kinks.

Anyway, so we went to the Jazz Club and honestly? Murder aside, I felt kind of bad for you? Because wow you’ve been dissociating HARD and I mean on one hand it’s nice to know you need to go this far just in order to get on with it and kill me but on the other… I don’t know. I didn’t really like seeing you like this because… I think it must hurt you a lot. It’s paradoxical, I know, but… that numbness you feel when you get like that, it’s… it’s worse than pain, in a way. Cause you can never feel anything good then, either.

Thankfully you’ve seemed to snap out of it somewhere in the middle of Lyn’s performance, and honestly no wonder. I’m so glad you’ve introduced me to her music all those months ago, she’s incredible, and hearing her live was just… I’m glad I got to share that with you.

And so… it’s the same with us, always. Lyn finished singing, we started talking, ordered more drinks because Muhen was giving you the look (in retrospect, he was probably just amused at the two of us pretending there’s no romantic tension between us when there was so much you could hang an axe in the air).

I don’t remember how we got to the topic of regret. You were way too pretty so my short-term memory kept short-circuiting, but I bet you were quoting some pretentious philosopher when we arrived at it, and you started going off about how you’d like to live your life without regrets, if at all possible, and how it’s  _ not  _ possible most of the time. And I told you how the way I see it, making a decision to act, basing it on your best knowledge and circumstance at that moment, could never lead to regret, and you disagreed, and…

I told you I’d much rather regret acting than regret walking away from a problem.

I would like to state, for the record, I’ve said it with big flashbacks to the start of this whole shitty situation, with that woman and a guy. I honestly did not see this could be taken as a nudge for you to act on your feelings for once. I didn’t mean it like that.

I’m so, SO glad that’s how you understood it, though, because the next moment I was being kissed and it was just so sweet and gentle and hesitant and just PERFECT and I.

It was my first kiss.

I’m so glad it was you.

I think I was your first kiss, too.

I can’t stop smiling. I’m officially dying in a few days and I’ve never felt more alive.

I’ve been feeling so angry, so scared, betrayed even… these last few days, I couldn’t find a place for myself. But tonight I’m just happy. Again, like that time before when we went on a date to Jazz Jin, I feel like I’m just… You know.

Just Ren. Just a normal highschool student with a crush. I can still feel your lips where they pressed against mine and I can’t even think about the plan, the Thieves, my anger at them, at the police, at you, at the guy who’s making you do all this shit… I logically know I should be thinking about all of that and probably being scared and stuff but I’m just… I’m not.

Tonight I’m just happy to be with you. I’m happy you like me back.

I hope, just for tonight… that’s all you can feel, too.

Sweet dreams, Goro. Our worlds will most likely fall apart in the next few days, but… we’ll deal with that tomorrow. For now, sleep well and smile for me, too.

Love,

Ren


	12. November 21st

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING for this chapter for: interrogation room-related mental and physical trauma, physical violence, pain, bruises, general abuse, needles, forced drug use and vague implied other forms of abuse. If you're uncomfortable with any or all of the above, this chapter might not be for you.

Dear Goro,

I, uh…

I survived. Yay.

Honestly, I… I didn’t expect it was going to be this bad.

Not  _ you _ . I didn’t even see you, though Futaba says it was awful there, but since regular electronics don’t really work in the Metaverse, I’m pressing X to doubt on this one.

No, I’m talking more about the police and just the general situation. Fuck, I wasn’t expecting that. I knew the police are rotten as fuck but… Honestly, I wanted to scream, I’m just a KID! Why did they have to do all the…

The drugs were the worst. It was so scary, Goro. It was terrifying. Even now my hands are shaking just thinking about it. I could take the punches and the rough handling, the way the handcuffs scraped against my skin, being locked up in a dark cell for hours and hours without knowing whether you guys got out safely or not… But being held down as they forced a needle under my skin, feeling woozy and feeling my control slipping… I…

Fuck.

_ Fuck. _

I was never so scared of anything in my life. I still… I can’t remember all they’ve done to me there, some parts are just too hazy to comprehend, and that’s more torment than mercy, too. I keep discovering bruises I can’t remember getting, cuts where I was sure no one hurt me. And you start to wonder, what else did they do…? 

It’s so fucking scary, I can’t…

I can’t sleep. When Sae brought me back at first I just fell unconscious out of exhaustion. Boss said I kept screaming in my sleep, that he and Futaba kept watching over me the whole time. I can’t remember anything. But now I’m alone in my attic again… even with Morgana, it’s too scary. The moment I close my eyes, my imagination starts to mix up with memories and I can’t even differentiate between nightmares and reality.

And… I think the worst part is that no one gives a shit.

Oh, the Thieves worried about me, sure. They were happy to see me back. But that was all. They went smoothly into gushing how great their awful plan was. Every time I said something, like how hey, I was drugged! Did you know about that, because you don’t fucking act like it! They just… went into this bit of awkward silence, Sae said something, and they went on their merry way congratulating themselves on pulling it all off.

Makoto still wants to become a cop. Futaba had the fucking nerve to tell me THEY were risking their lives, too.

I love them both, I really do, but just… Fuck. FUCK. 

I think that’s the scariest thing of all. I don’t recognize myself. When Futaba said that, I was just so angry - I could yell at her. I wanted to stand up and grab each and every one of them by the shoulders and shake them. I wanted to scream at them for how lightly they’re treating my life, how close I was to dying, for THEM.

I’m not myself. This isn’t like me.

I just… I feel so…

I feel betrayed.

That’s the word. It’s… strange, you know? I should feel betrayed by YOU. I should feel angry at YOU. But I’m writing all this acid, all this burning anger into the pages and it’s not you I feel wronged by. Maybe it’s because I knew you were going to kill me. Maybe it’s because I understand why you did it, knew you won’t back down.

But I guess I… expected them to care more. I don’t even know what I mean by that. Like… if they all started crying and told me they’re sorry for putting me in danger, that they should have come up with a better plan, that they were as terrified as I was it wouldn’t work… would that make me feel better? I don’t know. Maybe? I can’t be sure. And… I know it’s probably unfair of me to be this angry at them. I know the Thieves do care and I know they’re my friends, I just…

The fact I know they have good intentions somehow doesn’t help.

I feel so hurt and so fucking angry at everything I don’t know what to do with myself. The bruises hurt so much with every movement, I toss and turn on the bed trying to sleep and I can’t because if my body doesn’t hurt, my mind keeps flashing the images of what happened in front of me.

I feel like I’m going insane. I want to… I don’t know. I want you to come to Leblanc, mostly. I want you to apologize, to explain yourself, just so I can hear it out loud. I want you to hug me, to change the bandages on my cuts, to take care of me.

I want you to hold me as I fall asleep and tell me you won’t let anything bad happen to me.

I know it’s pathetic, but I just want to be cared for. Protected. For once in my fucking life.

And I want you to do all of that.

We… we’ll be going after Shido soon. I finally know the name of the guy who’s behind all that. Turns out I’m quite the detective myself - I’ve got you figured out long before we got the proof of what’s happening and I was right in just about everything. 

I don’t know when we’ll meet again, Goro. Hopefully, by then I’ll regain some of my calm back because I don’t know how long I’ll be able to go on like this.

If we go after Shido… I wonder if you’ll figure out I’m still alive. I wonder if you’ll come and join us, once you do.

I really, really don’t want to fight against you if you decide not to.

Just… stay safe. I hope we’ll see each other again, once Shido’s down and you’ll see that we’re on the same side, not the opposite ones. There’s still time, and I still want to save you, Goro.

Even though, honestly… At the moment, I could do with some saving, myself.

Take care.

Love,

Ren


	13. December 2nd

I couldn’t save you.

I’m sorry.

I’m so sorry.


	14. December 24th

Dear Goro,

You’re alive.

You’re fucking ALIVE.

I can’t even…

You’re alive. You’ve survived Shido’s ship. How did you survive? Literally how? Did you use a Goho-M at the last moment? Or did Futaba’s equipment malfunction or something? 

Honestly, I don’t know and I don’t care. You’re alive and that’s enough for me at the moment because even with just this information I haven’t stopped shaking since I came back home. I have never felt this relieved - not when I realized the plan worked at the interrogation room, not when Igor and Lavenza told me my friends are still okay, never.

Goro… How can I even begin to tell you how fucking happy I feel right now? The last three weeks were the worst in my entire life. I was sure I lost you. I tried to get myself to write something to you but I couldn’t find the words. It hurt so much. To see you lose yourself this badly, to watch you sacrifice yourself at the last moment, for us…

To know that if I'd been just a little bit faster, if I hadn’t frozen up when the cognitive you demanded volunteers to take your place, I could have saved you. To know I  _ failed _ . And even more than that, to know I failed the one person I never wanted to fail.

I have never felt as shattered as I felt that night. That first night after I came back from Shido’s Palace, I sat down to try and get some of the feelings out, but I couldn’t. All I could think, all I could write was how sorry I was. How much I failed you. When I went to sleep, I just tossed and turned and tried to imagine every possible scenario in which you somehow survived. I tried to convince myself this wasn’t real. That I’ll wake up and see you at the station, meet you down at Leblanc.

That I’ll wake up and find you there beside me.

It was so painful. I don’t remember the last time I’ve cried - it had to be when I was still small and my parents didn’t yet shame the crying out of me - but I cried for you that night. I felt like it was me who got shot through the heart. I was angry at you, for not stepping over to where we stood, for letting yourself get killed. I wanted to scream and punch something and just allow myself to drown in grief because I had no idea how else to deal with it.

And after that, after that first night… I understood that I couldn’t do it. Because I was still the fucking leader, I was still Joker, and I made a promise to you. And so I called the Thieves and pretended I was perfectly okay. We took out Shido and then went on to battle god himself and I felt nothing at all. I mean… I still felt some things. Fear and anger, mostly. But even when we all disappeared into thin air, even when I thought this was all over, that we’ve lost… the fact I lost you outweighed it all.

A part of me wanted to give up, at one point. After all, what was I even fighting for? A world which let you die? How was that worth anything?

But I knew, that whole time, that I needed to do it. Not just for my friends, not just for the world… but for you as well. I thought how much you’d hate the kind of world Yaldabaoth tried to create - a world where everything was being controlled, a world without choices, without freedom. So for you… I knew I couldn’t give up.

And honestly, I was prepared to roll with what happened afterwards. Everything was going to go back to normal and I could go back to mourning you in peace, hopefully without ever needing to fight another fight. When Sae came up to talk to me, I hardly even cared, even though now I think about it, it makes me SO pissed, that whole situation. Honestly, if I wasn’t so ridiculously happy you’re alive, I’d go on a real big rant about how fucking RICH it was for Sae to even propose to lock one of us up. I mean… I end up getting nearly killed, in part thanks to her, she says she’ll fight for it to never happen again and that we can leave Shido to her. Turns out no, we can’t, and she asks us to fight a literal goddamn god and almost get killed TWICE, AGAIN, doing that, but now we’ve succeeded it’s gonna be fine, no, for real, don’t worry, you can leave Shido to me. And then she fucking DARES to try and blackmail me into turning myself in because apparently even with Shido literally confessing to everything the case isn’t strong enough? Like? What the fuck? And going at me with the “oh you can turn yourself in or your friends won’t be safe” like uh, Sae? Fucking seriously?

Ugh.

BUT. Then you appeared - just butted into our conversation out of nowhere and I honestly felt I was going to faint. 

I should probably apologize for knocking you off your feet and bruising your tailbone in the process but then again, you can’t exactly blame me for wanting to give you a hug after I’ve MOURNED YOU for the last three weeks. If you want to complain about that I’m just gonna stop you right there and say: if you didn’t want that to happen, should have shown your face here earlier, asshole.

God I’ve missed you so much. You’re alive. Like, for real. It wasn’t a dream and it wasn’t a hallucination (I already called Sae to make sure) and you’re really, truly alive.

Fuck, I can’t stop just repeating that over and over in my head. You’ll make me cry again, you asshole. I’m so happy you’re here, I’m so fucking happy, Goro. I wish I could somehow tell you how fucking glad I am you’re here, that I haven’t lost you after all. I can still tell you I’m sorry for not saving you. I can still tell you how I feel about you. It’s not too late.

I mean, there’s the small issue of you being in jail at the moment but eh, it’ll be fine. If I can’t get you out of there in time for Valentine’s I’m not Joker, and since I AM Joker, that’s that. I’m sure there’s a way they’ll free you. I’ll FIND the way.

I’m not letting you go. Ever again.

Yeah, I know what you’d say. You’d call me sentimental and a fool, and you know what? You’d be right. I’m sentimental. I’m a complete fool. And I’m in love with you and now I can see we finally have a chance to somehow work things out. So I’m not going to let go of that chance, no matter what. Yeah, it’ll still be really hard. I get that. There’s stuff in your past you’ll need to work through, things both of us went through that will be difficult. I still have nightmares about the interrogation room and I can only imagine what kind of trauma  _ you _ went through. But I know one thing and it’s that even despite all of this, you still feel the same way about me as I do about you. And that whatever happens to us from now on, we’ll be able to take it on if we work together.

So look forward to it, Goro. I still haven’t shown you what I’m truly capable of.

See you soon.

Love,

Ren


	15. January 8th

Dear Goro,

So… you’re not picking up, even though I’ve tried calling you like ten times already.

And I get it, kind of. I mean, I’d like to think I get it.

I just. I really want to talk to someone normal right now and spending time with the Thieves recently, it’s… Exhausting.

I wonder how fucked up is it, that this is how I feel about my friends. Well, and especially about my friends being happy and living the lives they truly wanted to live, on top of everything. I don’t know. I can’t help it. It feels  _ wrong _ . And it feels even more wrong that I think their happiness is wrong.

In the whole world, you’re probably the only person who’d understand what I mean by all that right now, and you won’t. Pick up. Your goddamn. Phone.

I know you’re busy. I know you’ve been busy ever since this whole fuckery started. Honestly, it feels weird, writing those therapy letters Doc recommended, knowing who he really is and what he was planning from the start. Now I know you’d hate reading these even more. You seem to hate Doc with the kind of burning passion that kind of makes me jealous.

Haha… I’m pathetic.

See... I personally don't really feel too bad about him? I don’t hate Doc. I don’t think he’s a bad person, either. Don’t get me wrong, I still want the true reality and I’ll still fight with you to take it back, but…

I guess what I mean to say is, I truly believe Doc wants what he thinks is best for people. He just wants everyone to be happy. He’s suffered a lot in his life and he doesn’t want anyone to go through anything like he did.

I can sympathize with that.

Of course, it feels wrong, all the same. Like… yeah, Futaba’s mum and Haru’s dad are back, and everyone is good now. Yusuke has his loving father figure Madarame. Ryuuji never got his injury, Shiho never attempted suicide and Kamoshida never raped her. Makoto has her dad and Sumire… it’s still weird saying her real name out loud… will probably be happy as Kasumi again once Maruki returns her to reality. Even Morgana seems super happy to finally be able to simp after Ann in peace. I just…

It’s gonna sound terribly selfish of me, but all that, all of their trauma and sadness and hurt being erased… it ended up erasing  _ me  _ from their lives, too. And I  _ hate  _ it.

You know how I wrote to you once before, about how it sometimes feels like all the Thieves see me as is their personal therapist? Well… guess I was right. Because the moment their problems disappear, there’s no need for me anymore. Yeah, they were all happy to see me when I went to check up on them, but the moment I mentioned something about how things used to be, they all ran away from me. Even Morgana doesn’t want to stay in the same room I’m in, just in case I end up reminding him of who he really is.

And that’s just… Is it really that awful of me, to feel so goddamn hurt by it?

I don’t know. I thought friends were supposed to just… like one another. Not just spend time with you to get something out of it. I hate that I keep complaining and complaining about them to you like this but I just... I feel exactly like I did back then, at my hometown, and I can't even start to explain how much I hate it. Something happened, I made a decision and all of a sudden everyone I know is turning their backs on me. I thought... I tried so hard. I did my best to be a good friend to everyone. So why, _why_ is it so easy to just abandon me again..?

Is this how it was for you, being famous? When people turned their backs on you, did you feel the same sort of bitterness, did you feel betrayed? Or did you know how fickle the public is and didn’t care? Honestly, after getting to know you - the real you, the one you’ve never been able to truly show, I kind of feel like it didn’t really phase you THAT much.

By the way, I’m so digging the new cynical you. Did you know your voice changes completely once you stop giving two fucks about how people see you? It does, it goes lower and huskier and hooooooooooooooly shit I am THIS close to thanking Maruki for creating this whole alternate reality JUST for letting me hear you like that.

Also, you’re mean now. Like, unabashedly mean. Did I mention how I found that hot even before this month? Because I do. I SUPER DO. You open your mouth and tell me I’m attic trash and roll your eyes at me and I’m immediately ready to drop on my knees like oh yes honey talk dirty to me.

Why do I even exist I’m a walking embarrassment.

STILL. MY POINT WAS.

Wait what was my point. I mean my point was you’re hot but I’m pretty sure I wanted to write something before that.

Ah, right, my point was, I feel fucking lonely and tired and I just really want to meet up with you right now and hug you and kiss you and hide in your arms and pretend everything is okay. In this whole madness, you’re the only thing that feels real anymore.

And you are real. Yeah, I know, I know what you’re thinking, I’m not stupid, yeah, Okumura and Wakaba came back so you could be just Doc’s thing, too, but you’re not. I know you’re not, and that’s because you came back on Christmas Eve, and that was WAY before any of the weird shit started going down. Plus you got immediately arrested and if it was my wish to bring you back you wouldn’t have been. So you’re real, okay? Good. I mean even if you were Doc’s creation, right, you’d have disappeared by now, yeah? Because I realized this wasn’t the real world, so just like with Sumire turning back into herself once she remembered, you’d disappear the moment I found out you weren’t real.

So my point is, you ARE. You’re here and you’re alive and you’re safe and we’ll get our reality back because I want to be sure, like, 100% sure, without any doubts. Not that I HAVE any doubts, but…

Anyway, speaking of wanting to get the true reality back… See, I feel even worse about why  _ I  _ want to do it because  _ you  _ have so much better reason. I’ve written a few paragraphs ago how you seem to hate Doc and while, like I said, I personally don’t feel that way about him, I get you.

Because… I mean, he took everything from you, hasn’t he. 

Yeah, your whole life was just… misery after misery, one bad choice after the other. But it wasn’t JUST that. In fact, I’d say your whole life was actually more like… you, clawing your way from the absolute, darkest, deepest rock bottom. You’ve done everything and anything to tear some semblance of justice from the world that fought back against you the whole time and this is what defined you. And by taking all that away, Doc could have just as well erased you. No wonder you feel pissed as fuck.

It’s like… no one wants pain. No one wants to get hurt. But without hurt, without sadness or heartbreak, how do you find happiness? If I never lost you, if I never thought you’d died back there in Shido’s ship, I’d never end up crying from happiness upon finding out you’re alive. My point is… both sadness and happiness are needed. You can’t feel one without the other. And if you take the sadness away, you won’t be left just with happiness. You’ll be left with numbness. And I’d rather feel pain than spend my life feeling numb.

...I really want to see you right now. Why won’t you pick up? I want to… I want to touch you. I need to hold your hand. The thought you’re really, physically here still feels kind of incomprehensible sometimes, so I NEED to make sure.

Let’s go to the Jazz Club, Goro. Yeah. I’ll finish writing and go check if you’re at Kichijoji and if not, I’ll spam your messaging app until you pay attention to me. We can talk about the Palace and true reality and everything tomorrow, when we actually go there. For now, I need to see you. You’ll humour me this one time, right?

Love,

Ren


	16. February 4th

Dear Goro,

So… it was true after all, wasn’t it?

I… until the very last moment, even as the whole Palace fell down around us, I hoped Maruki was bluffing. Until the end, I hoped I won’t wake up in a world where you’re not…

I... I don't even know what to write. I usually just write what I feel like, but right now, I just... 

I’m at the juvie right now. It’s not too bad here, really. It wasn’t too bad here for the last month, either, from what I’ve heard. I personally can’t remember shit, but everyone assures me I’ve been here since Christmas Eve, giving testimonies and whatnot. I don’t think I’ve lost too much, not remembering stuff. I prefer to remember the fake reality, even if it was just a month stolen away from whatever god's left now Yaldabaoth and Maruki are both gone. I know you'd hate to know I think that, but... I guess I'm grateful. I got to spend more time with you. I got to go on dates with you, even if you've shushed me every time I tried to confess just how deeply I felt about you. I think I understand why you didn't want to hear it now. It's hard, isn't it? To find the strength to just... give up someone you love.

And I didn't want to give you up. I knew how much you despised Maruki's reality and I still barely managed to force myself to choose to fight him after all. I'm selfish like that - the thought of going through this again, of having to face losing you again... it was too much. So I hoped. I hoped that, somehow, in some way... You still managed to survive. That Maruki just... didn't know.

~~I was wrong.~~

I'm here, so obviously, you... you aren't here, though. Maybe you're still out there somewhere... maybe it was all just

I’m sorry. 

I don’t know… It hurts so much to hope, but if I think you're really... I can't. I'm so scared of that thought I can't even force myself to write it down. Every time I try it just breaks my heart more, and it's been broken so many times already I don't think I can take it. I just want you back. I want to go to sleep and wake up and it turns out it was all a bad dream.

But... that's not the reality, is it? I just destroyed a reality in which it _could_ be true.

I've lost you once, and then, given a chance, I've basically killed you again myself.

Goro, I...

I don’t think I’ll be able to write to you a lot from now on.

I’m sorry.


	17. December 2nd; one year later

Dear Goro,

How have you been?

I’m sorry for not writing to you for so long. I’ve been rummaging through the things I brought back home from Tokyo recently and I found the bundle of letters I used to write to you, and… well, I was dying of cringe reading them, mostly, but it did make me want to write to you again.

Especially since it’s an important date today, right?

You’ll be happy to know I’ve been doing okay. Well, okay-ish. After we came back to our reality, I got released from juvie pretty quickly. I stayed at Leblanc until March without many things happening and then I went back to my hometown to finish high school here. Things didn’t exactly go back to normal - my classmates, teachers, even my parents act like they’d prefer I wasn’t there, but I can’t really bring myself to care.

Morgana came with me. He’s been okay, too. We ended up spending most of the warmer months on my bike, riding all around the fields and forests around my hometown. It’s really peaceful here; there’s so much space compared to Tokyo, you really feel like you can just… stop and let your mind calm down. You’d like it here, I think. I wish I could show you around.

I’m moving back to Tokyo once I’m done with the graduation ceremony. Last year in high school wasn’t too difficult on me - honestly, I had barely anything else to do than study, so my grades are really good. I’m still not fully decided on which university I’m going to try to apply to - I was thinking about psychology, but I’m not sure if studying the topic won’t bring back too many painful memories. Then again… I want to help people, and I can kind of see myself as the kind of person who does. I think I understand the human psyche pretty well from experience, too.

The rest of the Thieves are doing good, as well. We’ve seen each other this summer; we had a big reunion and spent holidays together. They’re all going along with their own lives, but we still keep in touch. I’m really proud of them.

It’s not the same without you, but I’m trying to manage.

It’s been… a difficult year, all in all. Like I’ve said, my town wasn’t exactly welcoming. I know you hate him, but Doc has helped me a lot through the darkest moments. He changed his job - he’s a taxi driver now, of all things - but he kept in touch, and he helped me work through some feelings I’ve had. The rest of the Thieves and all the friends I made in Tokyo helped a lot, too. I’m still kind of… just tentatively starting to put myself back together again, but it’s progress.

At least I don’t spend my nights crying anymore, or my days laying in bed staring at the wall because I can’t be assed to move.

Well… enough about me.

There’s been no sign from you, the whole year. The press ignored your disappearance at first. By the time some reporter from Ohya’s squad started asking what happened with you, no one cared anymore. There was some investigation going on - Sae sent me updates, though only so that I’ll stop calling her every other day asking for them - but it went nowhere. Supposedly they decided you got killed off by Shido’s conspiracy and closed the case - there weren’t any public reasons why listed, and Sae assured me they’ve never found your body.

You have a grave now, though. If you’re still alive somehow, I think you’d find it amusing. It’s a small thing in a cemetery near Shibuya. I came to visit when they held the funeral - with an empty urn, of course. There was barely anyone there - just me, Morgana, Muhen, Boss, Sumire and Maruki. The other Thieves were all busy… honestly, it’s not like I was inviting them. Anyway, the only ones in Tokyo at the time were Futaba, Makoto and Haru, and I’m not tactless enough to try and convince Futaba or Haru to come to your funeral. They’d go if I asked, but I didn’t want the awkwardness.

Doc said the funeral could give me some closure, but it didn’t. I’m… still pretty much in denial. Afterwards, I went back to the Jazz Club with Muhen. He told me all sorts of stories about you, how you first found the club, what kind of things you’d tell him. He - like me - still doesn’t believe you’re dead.

I think he truly cared about you, Goro. If you’re still somewhere out there… you really should pay him a visit.

Speaking of visits… I’m going to visit your grave again today. I’ve decided I’ll make a little tradition out of it. Not because I think you’re dead, or that I’m hoping for anything, I just… I don’t want to forget you. Like Jazz Club used to be this one place that was just yours in my mind, I want this one date, the day I lost you, to just be yours, too. So… I’m going to keep coming each year. Yeah, I know you’d think it’s stupid. Shut up, it’s not for you. If you wanted me to just forget you, you shouldn’t have left me your glove. Yeah, I still have it. What of it? I happen to still be in love with you. And I’ve told you before, right?

I’m not willing to let you go.

So… Yeah. I’ll go visit today. And… I don’t think I’ll be writing any more letters. I got pretty good at managing my emotions without them, and anyway… I still can’t decide if writing to you is making me feel better or worse. So… Yeah.

I debated on what to do with my letters to you. There’s so much pain in all these envelopes, but there’s so much happiness, too. Yeah, they’re cringy as fuck, but you know what? They’re our cringy. And… I don’t want to burn them anymore.

So what I’ve done is, I found a nice little box that’s reasonably waterproof and small enough that it should fit in the incense burning space by your grave. I’ll leave my seventeen letters to you there - maybe I’ll read some of them on each anniversary and just remember, I don’t know. And if anyone else reads them, well… I don’t think there’s a lot of personal information they’ll be able to get from them, and… at least that someone will know there was once a guy called Akechi Goro, and that he’s been loved so, so much.

I just wish I could make sure you’ve known that before it was too late, too.

I’m not going to ask you to come back. I don’t really want to give myself too much hope. Doing my best to believe you’re alive is already difficult sometimes. But… if you are alive… just, know this, okay? If there’s one thing I want to tell you, it’s how much I love you. How much I still love you a year since I’ve lost you and how much I’ll still love you next year, and the next and so on. Even if it hurts me… I don’t want to forget you.

I hope we’ll meet again someday, Goro. Because if you really are alive… I want us to meet, if only so I can tell you all of the above properly, face to face.

Some things are just better said in person. So if you’re out there… you might want to hear them in person, too.

Love,

Ren


	18. December 2nd; a year later still

Dear Ren,

I’m… really not very good at writing letters. I don’t even know how to start.

The fact this whole letter-writing idea started with that pathetic piece of shit doesn’t exactly help matters.

However… I feel like I do need to write down some thoughts. Or, more than that… I feel like there are things you should know, and after the last couple of weeks, it felt fitting, somehow, to write you a letter.

It’s been almost two years since the last time I’ve seen you, and, well… Frankly, I wasn’t planning on seeing you ever again. Not for the reason your mind just jumped to, you can stop panicking and breathe again. I have made it clear before that I feel… quite strongly about you, and in a surprisingly positive way at that. I’d have loved nothing more than to run back to you the moment we came back to our reality and I’ve found out I’m still alive here, after all. No matter how embarrassing that sounds.

But… well. You know better than anyone that there were some… issues I needed to take care of first. And after these issues have been dealt with to my satisfaction, I...

I always thought I didn’t deserve your love. Perhaps, I thought, if I just keep away, you’d forget me. Perhaps this was the greatest gift I could have given you. After all I’ve put you through, coming back into your life would be unnecessary cruelty - and so I kept away. Until one day a few weeks ago, at least.

It was a strange, sudden fancy, going to visit my own grave. Melodramatic, I know. Well, you’ve been rubbing off on me. Maybe I simply wanted to see if there was a sign anyone’s been visiting. To my own surprise, I found a sign just like that. A little box, filled with letters… letters addressed to me.

I couldn’t help myself. I took the box, ran all the way home the moment I recognized your handwriting. I have to admit I felt like a bit of a thief, robbing my own grave of all things, but it was impossible to resist. After more than a year of no contact from you,  _ with you _ , I was starving.

The world is so incredibly dull without you in it, Ren.

I was certainly not expecting the kind of letters I found, once I started reading them from the one dated the earliest forward.

My god, you are embarrassing.

Was this really what was going through your head, all this time? After our every meeting,  _ that’s  _ what you took from our encounters? Dear lord, it’s amazing what you can find out about a man once he’s allowed to let his thoughts flow freely. I had  _ so much fun  _ reading your ridiculous thirst letters, Ren - I don’t think I’ve laughed this much since… ever, probably. You shouldn’t worry, though - it was quite flattering to know just how much you like my legs or my voice… So flattering, in fact, I might have to quote some of your more interesting passages to you from time to time. And don’t even think of finding these letters and burning them after all - they’re mine now, I’ll keep them safe and make copies, just in case.

What is it? Am I being too mean? Ah, but you can’t really complain - not when you… what was the phrase? “Drop on your knees” whenever I’m mean to you? After being begged so often to “talk dirty to you more”, how could I stop myself now? :)

Your apparent thirst and questionable kinks aside, though... To think you’ve felt this strongly about me from the very start. It’s not a bad feeling - to know I’ve made as much an impression on you as you have on me. It was touching, too. I’ve always known you’re a sentimental fool, but… well, I was quite surprised to find out how much you cared for me all this time. And how worried you were about me for the most ridiculous of reasons.

I suppose the fact I find that rather adorable is a proof your sentimentality has rubbed off on me as well.

There was another thing that surprised me in your letters - just how much I’ve underestimated you. I have always known your little troupe could do nothing without your leadership and guidance, but to see the full extent of just how much quicker you’ve caught onto me, well… Let us just say I like my men smart. And despite what you seem to think of yourself, Ren, you’re  _ extremely  _ smart. 

Not smart enough to just forget me, though.

Ren… I’m sorry.

I’ve never truly stopped to comprehend just how much I’ve hurt you. I knew my actions would have their cost and I was prepared to pay it. I was prepared to see you hate me, be angry at me, throw in my face just how awful a person I am…

I was not prepared to witness just how much pain you were in because of me.

Ren, I… in my wildest dreams, I could have never imagined someone would care. I never thought it’d hurt you this much to lose me once, and then lose me again.

I have never wanted to break your heart like this, and though I will always refuse to apologize for any of the choices I’ve made in my life… for this one thing, I’ll apologize again and again. And I am fully aware it might not be enough for you to forgive me, even so. And though I am so terribly, inexcusably late… I do have some hope you will at least allow me to attempt to make it up to you somehow.

You’ve written to me, in one of your early letters, how you never want me to read them. How, if I read them, I’d think less of you. You couldn’t be more wrong. I’ve always thought highly of you, always felt passionate about you - to know now how much I’ve been cared for, how well you’ve understood me… to know you’ve never held my choices against me, no matter what they brought upon you… It was more than I deserve.

I wish I had known sooner. I wish by some stroke of luck I could have found your letters. I doubt it’d have been enough to change anything, but at least I could have known - at least I could have prepared you somehow. Or maybe just kept my distance from you better.

Now I’ve actually written it out, I’m no longer sure if it’d have been a good thing.

What I can say for sure, though, is that… I’m glad I found your letters. I’m glad they found their way to me, however embarrassing they are. Because finding them made me think hard about some things and make some decisions I never thought I’d make.

Like deciding to sit down and write this letter, for example. Like putting it in a new box I bought just for the occasion and leaving it on my grave, waiting for you to fulfil your promise to come back and visit me again.

Like deciding to wait that whole day to see if you’d come.

And if you do… if you find my letter and decide to read it… If you're still waiting for me like you've told me you will... You might want to turn around about now.

Some things are better said in person, after all.

Love,

Goro

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So! This is the end.
> 
> Thank you everyone for reading and commenting on this story - you guys made me so happy, I'm pretty overwhelmed with the amount of love this has received ;; thank you so much! I hope you've enjoyed reading it just as much as I enjoyed writing <3
> 
> Thank you my wonderful beta readers, Nate and Spoof, who live-read this whole thing with me and made sure the flow was alright.
> 
> Big props to itsann and Princess_of_Candy for figuring out the last chapter is going to be a letter from Goro to Ren - you guys are amazing, I went "HOLY SHIT THEY REALIZED" when I read you say it in your comments XD 
> 
> Finally, as promised, one little thing about this story I'd like everyone to, having written it all, stop and think about:
> 
> As you read Love, Ren, you read it knowing what happens next. You know the whole story - due to it being according to P5R canon, sans few allowances I made. Because of it, as you read it... you're experiencing the same thing Goro has when reading Ren's letters :3 
> 
> Thank you for reading!


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